Yes, observant boys and girls, this is Wednesday not Tuesday but I was a busy little bee getting Monica’s colors to POP! in the Bogey + Bacall suite as well as getting Britni’s Sloane + Ferris sample all set up to go to the printer then Michael wasn’t having a good day and just NEEDED to go get mac and cheese from the bar down the street so what’s a good wife to do?

Anyway, you’ve got me now and today (brace yourselves) we’ll be having some advice/scheming. Just what every good party planner needs!

Photo by Paired Image from their engagement session.

It starts off like this: Renée and Kevin from Harry Potter inspired wedding fame (yup, there they are) came to visit to go see (what else?) the Harry Potter Exhibition at the Boston Museum of Science and while Renée was here she got a very excitable message from her friend saying she had “big news” and would “talk to her later”. I’m only explaining this part of the story to maybe come up with a standard for the women of this world. If you leave a message saying you have “big news” it better be engagement, baby in the works, new fabulous job, or a spotting of an ex-boyfriend as a cult leader on Dateline or something like that because that is what the person you left the message is thinking.

After Renée gets home she talks to her friend and find out the big news is drama which she shared with me because it’s something a lot of brides probably go through. Here’s the deal (I’ve changed all the names in honor of Renée to Harry Potter names and also to not get her friend in more trouble) Renée’s friend, Hermione, got married this past Fall but she didn’t invite Padma and Parvati Patil and now Padma and Parvati are super pissed at Hermione and have just unloaded it all on her. I’m guessing it was a case of their friendship falls in the vast nebulous between being facebook friends and knowing when their birthday is without a facebook reminder. See Figure 1 for details. They’re probably right in the middle but everyone has to make their “these people come/these people don’t” demarcation themselves.

In this case there are some crazy circumstances like Hermione had a dying relative while she was planning her wedding which was adding stress but the Patil girls were all “like you weren’t planning before your relative got sick” which- dang- is too much for me to get into except to say anything relating to a dying relative should never be your ace in the hole. Also at this point I should let you know I H-A-T-E icky feelings. I don’t like fighting, confrontations, “big talks”, and the like so this is where advice turns into schemes (i.e. dealing with it without ACTUALLY saying the words).

I’ve thinking this over a bit and I think you should try to avoid uttering the words “I’m not inviting you to my ” unless you want a crap-ton of repercussions, have a DAMN good reason, or just CAN NOT get around it (see below). The reason I say this is I can’t imagine an instance where someone could say that to me where I wouldn’t feel hurt. Of course I’m talking about big things like weddings and other big events. Brandy wouldn’t have to invite me to Karaoke Extravaganza 2K10 because I live several states away (although she did because she is nice like that and Karaoke Extravaganza 2K10 doesn’t cost $75 a head for her to invite people so, hell, if you want to, I can get you invited).

A way you can get around that is, perhaps, if it’s an entire large group of people like co-workers. Saying to a co-worker, “I feel bad I can’t invite anyone from work” is better than singling out someone that THEY THEMSELVES aren’t invited. Now I think a good groundwork to all of this is people are going to ask you about your wedding/event and wedding/event planning. If you know or have an inkling you are not going to invite them make sure you start bringing up what will be reasons why you will not be inviting them. Here’s a good example of some: small venue, just inviting family and a few friends, those darn budget concerns, the wedding will be far away, etc. Honestly, I know this is probably contrary to other info on the web on this subject but if you tell people how you’re really limiting the guest list and it’s really hard to do and you feel really bad about it they won’t be surprised if they don’t get an invitation. Especially if you make a puppy dog face when you talk about it. Aww see how sad I am (this is a pretend situation- there isn’t a photo).

Okay back to the Hermoine/Patils issue because I think it brings up one of the most difficult situations. A lot of times it’s not so cut and dry. You want to invite Luna Lovegood because you’re closer to her but you, Luna and the Patils are all friends from school. Invariably if these are the types of people that if you invite hoping they won’t come– they totally will. This is a coin flip to whether the roundabout hints will work or if you may be forced to say something. Ugh. Sucks, I know. If they’re not getting the hint or come out and ask if they’re invited be SIMPLE about it. People (read: me) may have a tendency to start talking more when nervous. Saying something like “I’m really sorry, I hope this doesn’t hurt our friendship/make things weird” is good. Don’t start trying to explain your thought process of why Luna gets to go but they don’t. The heart of the matter is you like them enough to be having this annoying conversation but (to be blunt) not enough for them to come to your event. The most important thing though is after you have this little talk or after they kind of get they’re not going– don’t be chatting it up with Luna about the wedding/event when the Patils are around. If they bring it up– fine– be polite but know their feelings may still be hurt a bit.

Also that “I’m really sorry. I hope this hasn’t hurt our friendship– I should have mentioned it before” might work for Hermione now. If she wants.

If anyone has any good ideas or has done this successfully let us know. My first two thoughts when I heard about it were “hm they should delegate- that’s what bridesmaids are for” and “maybe I could make a Mad Lib that people could fill out” so OBVIOUSLY I’m not the best at this stuff.

We’ll be back to pretty pictures next time.